Still Here
by mistye-dawne
Summary: Something drips down onto his cheek. "Shouta, you need to wake up," he pleads. 'When did I fall asleep? Toshi where are we'


An absent minded Aizawa slides his wedding band down his finger just far enough for him to spin it around the appendage. He walks over to the small wet bar and pours himself another drink, downing the liquor in one gulp. Looking in the mirror, he runs a hand through his hair, still not quite used to the undercut and shortened length. His eyes are bloodshot, a combination of crying without end and lack of sleep.

He slides the ring back in its place and runs a finger along the scar under his eye, closing them and imagining that Toshi was standing in front of him. He ignores the waves of nausea and dizziness that pass over him. The blond loved to lazily run his thumb over the raised mark when they were laying together in bed. It was his favorite way to wake Aizawa up. He remembered waking up and the first thing he'd see were those blue eyes that seemed to glow as Toshi was looking down at him.

He's falling.

Those eyes made him feel exposed and he always tried to hide away from the piercing gaze, but Toshi's soft pleas were always enough to coax him from under the sheets, a bright blush staining his cheeks. God how Aizawa missed those mornings.

"Shouta, wake up." He can practically hear Toshi laying beside him.

He feels something brush over his scar and his eyes flutter open. His beloved is there, looking down at him, but not at all how he remembered. His eyes are are dull and his smile is gone. Toshi always smiled though, even when he should have been crying and broken, he always smiled for Aizawa. So why wasn't he now?

Something drips down onto his cheek. "Shouta, you need to wake up," he pleads. _When did I fall asleep? Toshi where are we?_

"Fuck... Shouta, please, wake up." The voice isn't Toshi's anymore. It sounds almost like Mic. "Shit," the voice says in english. The only other person Aizawa knew that swore in english was Mic.

Aizawa groans and lifts a hand to cover his eyes. "What happened?" he asks, his body starting to feel the ground beneath him.

"You tell me, Shouta!" Aizawa spreads his fingers to look up at his friend. His looked like a different person with his hair down and his glasses not sitting on his nose. "I didn't mean to yell," he apologizes. "You just scared me."

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't," the blond snaps. "The last thing I need is to hear you apologize for how you choose to grieve." Mic reaches for Aizawa's hand and slowly pulls the man to his feet, holding his arm to keep him upright. "I don't think it's the healthiest way to mourn, but I'm not one to judge." Aizawa blinks a couple times to focus his vision. He feels like vomiting.

His stomach turns and he pushes himself from Mic, barely making it to the kitchen sink. A few tears slip down Mic's cheeks and he wipes them away while taking a deep breath to steady himself. He walks into the kitchen, searches for a clean washcloth then turns on the water to wash away the contents of Aizawa's stomach and dampen the rag. When he stops gagging, Aizawa lets Hizashi wipe away the filth from his lips and chin and then rinse the sink with soap to get rid of the smell.

The widower looks back to the wet bar in the other room and sees his husband's reflection staring back at him. There was so much more that they were supposed to experience together. He misses him so much, but the bastard made Aizawa promise and he could never deny Toshi. Goddammit it wasn't fair. He loses balance again, but his best friend is there to catch him this time.

As Aizawa is led to his bedroom, his eyes never leave the image in the mirror until it's out of sight. He's made to sit on the bed while Hizashi rummages through his clothes then sets them on the bed. The blond leaves the room and Aizawa continues to just sit for a minute, listening to the man look for something in the kitchen. He's beginning to crash.

Aizawa grabs the change of clothes and walks into the bathroom, leaving it slightly ajar so his friend doesn't panic again. The viewing and funeral had been today and through all the 'I'm sorry for your loss' and 'Please let us know if there's anything we can do' he felt that everyone thought that he was some pathetic mess of a man that would lose his will to continue forward.

 _I'm mourning, not a damn timebomb waiting to off myself._

"No one thinks that, Shouta." He glares at the blue eyes looking down at him in the mirror. "They're just worried about you."

Aizawa focuses on his own reflection and starts to undress. He had made a point not to drink during the day's events, but the lack of sleep hadn't helped with how horrible his eyes looked. He'd also only just gotten a haircut the day before so no one had seen it yet. He undoes the last button of his shirt then rubs the back of his head, the short hairs tickling his hand.

"It's certainly a different look for you, but I like it."

Aizawa just scoffs then starts brushing his teeth, desperate to be rid of the taste of vomit and alcohol. His gaze softens a bit seeing Toshi's smile. He's grateful that the blond has yet to totally leave him alone. He knows that his husband isn't really there and that he's talking to himself. He might be losing his mind, but the most likely reason that he's seeing Toshi is a combination of hardly any sleep and alcohol.

There's a knock on the bathroom door and the two turn their heads to it.

"Shouta, you good?" Hizashi asks from the other side, mindful of his friend's privacy.

He leans down and spits out the minty foam. "I'm good. You can come in."

The door is pushed open, and Aizawa sees Hizashi holding a bottle of pills and a glass of water. "There's crackers on the nightstand since I don't know when you last ate anything."

To be honest, Aizawa didn't know either. The last several days had blurred into one and he was barely able to keep up with everything. "What are those?" he questions, nodding to the bottle that Hizashi is holding.

"Melatonin." Aizawa roll his eyes and sticks the toothbrush back into his mouth. "I know that you're crashing, Shouta. I'm not worried about you being unable to fall asleep tonight," he explains, watching the man's eyes focus on something that he can't see. "I'm worried about you not staying asleep." He steps to the counter, places the water down, then opens up the bottle and shakes out one pill.

"I am _not_ taking that," he articulates.

"You don't have to," the blond says coolly. "But if you feel like you do, I'm leaving one here." He turns around, probably to go back to the guest room. Aizawa quickly rinses his mouth and goes after him before he retires for the night.

"Hizashi!" He stops halfway through the door and blinks back at Aizawa. "Thank you," he says bowing his head to hide the tears he's never been able to shed until just recently. "For staying with me and looking out for me," he quickly adds.

"Shouta," he says and walks back down the hall to stand in front of Aizawa. He hesitates for just a moment but decides fuck it and pulls Aizawa into a hug. "You're my best friend. There's very little that I wouldn't do to help you out."

Aizawa freezes when Hizashi's arms wrap around him, however, the man's comforting voice that had helped him through so much before helps him once again and he clutches to the man's shirt.

"It isn't fair, Hi-Hizashi," he sputters.

The blond tightens his hold a little and smooths down his hair, still finding it hard to believe that he cut the day prior. "I know. You'll get through this, Shouta. I believe that you will."

"Why do _you_ sound s-so confident," he weakly spats out, causing Hizashi to chuckle.

"Because that's what your husband wanted, And I know that you could never deny him."

He was right. Toshi had never asked for much of anything but when he did, Aizawa never hesitated to fulfill the man's wish. It's why he'd promised to always keep a close eye on Midoriya. Hizashi's arms are comforting. They aren't anything like Toshi's but the embrace is warm and he feels safe as his eyes drift close. Mic has to adjust his weight as Aizawa rests against him entirely.

"Shouta, let's get you to bed," he says.

Aizawa's eyes crack open and he sees Toshi watching them, his brow furrowed and eyes worried. He watches the short-haired man crawl beneath the sheets and his friend go into the bathroom for the water and the pill. Mic sits beside Shouta who looks past him to stare at Toshi. He really doesn't want to take the pill. He doesn't want Toshi to disappear again. But those brilliant eyes of his are practically begging him and he just can't resist.

He tosses the pill into his mouth then takes the water from Hizashi's hand, glaring the entire time. He doesn't know that the widower is glaring at his husband and not him. He leaves Aizawa to sleep without a word, cutting the lights and leaving the door open slightly just in case he does wake up.

* * *

"Shouta," he hears Toshi whisper as the man runs his thumb over his scar.

Aizawa's eyes snap open and he reaches for his husband's shoulder, then pushes the blond onto his back, switching their positions. "Toshi?"

"Hi sleepyhead," he says brightly.

It's too good to be true. Aizawa knows this, but he just needs this one moment of comfort so he leans down to and presses his lips against his. Toshi reciprocates the action but Shouta immediately knows that it's not really his husband because he doesn't smell like lemongrass. Aizawa cradles the man's face and rests their foreheads together.

"This isn't really you, Toshi," he sighs.

From the corner of his eyes, he can see Toshi reach up and place his hand on his waist, but he doesn't feel the weight of his hands.

"I'm here because you brought me here."

"I know," he admits sadly.

Toshi sits up, forcing Aizawa to move back and brings his hand to the man's face. Aizawa holds his hands over Toshi's and cries.

"Shouta, don't cry." Toshi leans forward and kisses his tears away. Those words only make him cry harder. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you like this."

Aizawa shakes his head and presses his lips to Toshi's. "You didn't ask for any of this to happen and I know that the _you_ I've been seeing isn't really you."

"You won't see me when you wake up," he warns.

"Just lay down with me, Toshi?" he pleads.

Those blue eyes soften and Toshi leans back until he's flat on the ground. Aizawa swings himself over and nuzzles into the taller man's side. He finally smiles when he feels Toshi pull him close.

"Nemuri he's fine," Hizashi says into the phone then turns back to the bedroom he'd been staying in. Instead of waking up, Aizawa had remained asleep, but shortly after Mic's phone had rung, he heard the man whispering in his sleep. He was clearly talking to his husband, which worried him a little, but he knew his friend to always process things a bit differently than others. If this what what he needed to get through and get better. He'd make sure that he came out in one piece.


End file.
